Just Rambling

Nope, this is not chapter 11. Sorry peeps. This is just me rambling because I have nowhere else to put it. I thought about creating another blog to do all my rambling in, but I'm still weighing the pros and cons. I don't often talk about my feelings so why would I just suddenly start posting them in a public blog? That would just be crazy. I could write in a journal, but I just don't have a whole lot of time for that. Of course, if I don't have time for that, then do I really have time to type it all out online? No. So let me share the real reason I don't want to write in a journal. I'm lazy. There. I said it. I have been spoiled by computers to the point where I really don't like to hand write anything anymore. Not because I don't like to write. I do. But every time I start to hand write something, I realize how ugly my handwriting is compared to how neat and precise typing is. So, maybe that's not laziness exactly. Maybe that's called....I don't know what that's called. No confidence in my ability to make my handwriting aesthetically pleasing? Why am I even talking about that? See, I told you I was rambling. It's a good thing I chose this blog to do it on because no one reads this! lol I guess that would be a plus to doing it anywhere else-no one would read it there either so I don't really have to worry about how public it is. And if they do read it, so what. I'm at a stage in my life where I just really don't care. It's not like I'll be writing details of my sex life or anything. Hell, if I did that, I bet people would read it! lol (Doesn't mean I'm going to do that...um...ew. No.) So why am I rambling? My son has a 10am appointment and I'm here at the computer at 8:30 while my girls are in the bath rambling away because my husband had to leave yesterday and there isn't enough going on in my house right now. It's too quiet. I can't stand it. I miss him so much. This is probably only the 2nd time I've ever felt this way in my life in regards to this awful, empty, lonely feeling I have from my husband being gone again and the first time it happened was right after he joined the Army and left for the first time. Since that kind of feeling is to be expected the first time, I hardly think it counts now. Usually, I handle it pretty well just because I'm so used to it. I know it's part of his job and I accept that, I live with it and I just keep going until he's home again.  This time is different. Don't get me wrong, I've always loved and missed my husband when he was gone, but this time it's just overwhelming. I almost feel like I can't handle it. For the first time EVER, I got a shirt he'd worn off my bedroom floor, smelled it and started crying. How pathetic is that? People only do that in movies, right? WRONG. I cried like a big ol' baby because I miss him so badly. I want him to come home and stay home. During his last deployment, I felt a sort of peace with it. Like I knew nothing would happen to him, he would be fine and he would come home safe. I literally NEVER worried about him. I prayed all the time, I had my family for support. Yeah, I missed him and I wanted him home, but I didn't WORRY about him. This time, I'm crazy worried. I have this awful feeling that I can't get rid of. I'm not saying I think he's going to get blown up or anything. I don't know what the feeling is exactly, but it's definitely not the peace I had about his last deployment. I hate this. I want him here with me every night. I love my space and I like to think that I'm a very independent woman. The man can get on my nerves more than anyone else on the planet...ok well, maybe not anyone else on the planet, but you get what I mean-he annoys me. But I love that. I want him here to annoy me every single night. He only annoys me because he loves me and he thinks my facial expressions are hilarious and in truth, they probably are. I just feel better when he's here. My bed doesn't feel so big and empty. When he's gone, I stay up far too late and never get enough sleep. When he's here, I don't mind going to bed early in the slightest :D See, he's good for my health :) Anyway, my point is that I just miss him. I'll be fine and go on about my day to day life. Find things to fill the time, but no matter what, I'll still miss him. I'll think about funny things we said or did in this room or that room, what he wore on this day or that day, places we've gone and things we've done together and no matter how busy I am, those things will always be right there in the back of my mind ready to jump out at me as soon as my mind isn't occupied enough to hold them back. Stupid Army. Just let me have him back.